DRUDGE REPORT
by Matt Drudge
Sat July 4 11:28:11 1998
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CLINTON WILL FLY ON NEXT SHUTTLE MISSION!
Look for the country to be run from the "Weightless White House" when a hastily arranged flight of the (refurbished) space shuttle Challenger blasts President Clinton and a crew of one into earth orbit "within twenty-four hours," according to First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, who asked not to be identified. DRUDGE has been told by sources within the White House living quarters that Clinton will be accompanied by his dog, Buddy, in an experiment testing the adaptability of pets in space. Buddy will then return to earth in the shuttle while Clinton remains in orbit on the Mir space station for an indefinite period of time. Stay tuned...
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**World Exclusive**
**Must Credit DRUDGE REPORT**
The latest sweeps numbers are in and they indicate a slight decline in network viewership, but the honchos aren't shifting in their seats just yet...
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**DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE!**
Saddam Hussein, with behind-the-scenes help from friend-of-Bill Vernon Jordan, has been hired as V.P. in charge of public relations at Revlon, and is looking for a two-bedroom apartment in NYC, an unknown source whispered to this reporter.
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Boris Yeltsin has fired the entire U.S. Cabinet, DRUDGE just learned.
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'TITANIC' FIRST TRILLION DOLLAR MOVIE?
LOS ANGELES -- Megamonster megahit 'TITANIC' will now likely end up becoming Hollywood's first trillion dollar box office bonanza, according to industry estimates. "It'll easily top the total combined gross of JURASSIC PARK, STAR WARS, and every other movie ever made, multiplied by ten," a studio flack will tell the DRUDGE REPORT tomorrow morning. I smell sequel...
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**Exclusive**
Newt Gingrich out of that cast (What? No Demos signed it?) after a recent spill in his bathroom, DRUDGE was informed by the Speaker's gay sister on the condition of anonymity.
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Astronomers at Pasadena's Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed to the DRUDGE REPORT that contact with intelligent life outside our solar system has been made and, get this, the aliens are interested in a peaceful relationship with earth, leading to an exchange of technology and ideas. The "conversation" between our scientists and theirs ended with a promise from both species to "keep in touch." Developing...
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Look for something big coming out of the White House soon...
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Ratings for the May sweeps period have not been announced, but DRUDGE has decided they will show the peacock with a solid lead, despite losing pro football to the other vultures...
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Janet Reno resigned last Wednesday at 15:24:31 EST, according to my sources, who asked to be identified.
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CLINTON SEX SCANDAL DENIED
The White House is denying a story first revealed in the DRUDGE REPORT that the president once looked at a young woman with "lust in his heart," according to sources close to people close to sources close to the president. White House press secretary Mike McCurry said he "felt obligated" to deny any and all rumors relating to this matter "unless they turn out to be true."
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Newt Gingrich has told the DRUDGE REPORT, confidentially, that he's eating less, but enjoying food more. He's given up binging and purging -- it's been three weeks since he last stuffed himself with chili dogs, potato chips and chocolate milk and then "hurled" it all over the bathroom floor, he boasted to this reporter "off the record."
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Don't be surprised if Jerry Seinfeld assumes the co-anchor spot on "CBS Saturday Morning" now that they've jettisoned disappointing Susan Molinari, who may run for Governor of South Dakota, it was learned by this reporter, who asked not to be identified.
What Seinfeld means to the peacock: Every minute he's not on the air the network loses three hundred thousand dollars. That's American dollars.
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WHITE HOUSE MUM ON VAGUE RUMORS
The White House is keeping quiet about a rumor yet to make the rounds regarding some unseemliness behind the scenes, perhaps. My sources are denying everything, I've learned.
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Look for John Travolta, a long-time pilot, to take over the helm of Air Force One on a semi-permament basis, according to former President Reagan.
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**Exclusive to DRUDGE**
That mile-wide rock due to make an earthly visit on October 26, 2028, will smash into the moon, blasting pieces of the moon towards the Earth and causing a spectacular meteor shower at an outdoor Rolling Stones concert in Berlin, an astronomer at Pasadena's Jet Propulsion Laboratory told DRUDGE in strictest confidence.
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The DRUDGE REPORT has learned that, according to its sources, President Clinton has had sexual relations with its sources, who asked not to have to identify any distinguishing characteristics.
The REPORT is issued when circumstances warrant
(c)DRUDGE REPORT 1998
Not for reproduction without permission of the author