Famous First Drafts

"Who's On First?"

by Bud Abbott


Lou Costello

COSTELLO: Hey, Abbott, tell me about this new ball club in town. I hear they're really good.

ABBOTT: They are, Costello.

COSTELLO: Well, who's on the team? What are their names?

ABBOTT: I'll tell you, the players these days, they sure have some funny names, goofy names...

COSTELLO: Well, for example, who's on first?


COSTELLO: That's what I want to know. Who's on first?




COSTELLO: Who is the first baseman?

ABBOTT: That's his name, Who.

COSTELLO: Who is his name?

ABBOTT: Right. His name is Who.

COSTELLO: So, someone named Who is playing first base?

ABBOTT: Precisely.

COSTELLO: I see. What's the name of the guy on second base?

ABBOTT: You're right. What is the name of the guy on second base.

COSTELLO: What is his name?

ABBOTT: What is his name. His name is What.

COSTELLO: And third base?

ABBOTT: I don't know.

COSTELLO: You don't know his name, or his name is I don't know?

ABBOTT: His name is I don't know.

COSTELLO: Fascinating. So, in essence, all the players on this team have names that are responses to questions, or are pronouns that can be easily construed as responses to questions. Do you have a pitcher?

ABBOTT: Tomorrow.

COSTELLO: And a catcher?

ABBOTT: Today.

COSTELLO: It must be confusing as hell.

ABBOTT: You're not kidding.

COSTELLO: Well, thanks for telling me their names, Bud.

ABBOTT: You're welcome, Lou.



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