EXT. PRINCETON UNIVERSITY LIBRARY - DAY (1995)
In the foreground Mellinger and Brickhouse ascend the steps with a sense of urgency.
 MELLINGER |
What did Doctor Sashimi say? |
BRICKHOUSE|
He said, "Come at once, this is important." |
MELLINGER
They enter the library.
INT. LIBRARY - RESEARCH ROOM - DOCTOR SASHIMI
is examining old newspaper headlines on a computer screen as Brickhouse and Mellinger enter.
MELLINGER |
What is it? What's so urgent? |
SASHIMI|
Come over here. Take a look at this. |
They gather near the screen.
SASHIMI
 (continuing)
CLOSE SHOT - SCREEN - THE FRONT PAGE
of "The New York Times" for September 3, 1933. The large headline reads, "S.S. Europa Sinks In North Atlantic - Einstein Among Missing."
ANGLE - MELLINGER
goes pale.
BRICKHOUSE
SASHIMI
MELLINGER
(emotional, to himself)
Sashimi reacts to Mellinger as Doctor Denton enters, running.
DENTON
SASHIMI
Denton looks at the screen.
DENTON
SASHIMI|
So -- we may have lost Einstein. Forever. |
MELLINGER
(on the verge of tears)|
Oh, why did we ever try this in the first place? I'll never be able to forgive myself. |
He starts crying on Doctor Brickhouse's shoulder.
BRICKHOUSE|
There, there -- we can only hope. |
DENTON|
What's the matter with you people? We can find out what happened -- right now. |
MELLINGER
DENTON|
Just look at the next day's paper. |
SASHIMI
BRICKHOUSE
Sashimi finds the next day's front page.
CLOSE SHOT - SCREEN - THE FRONT PAGE
of The New York Times for September 4, 1933. The big headline reads, "Hitler Shot By Mistress."
MELLINGER (O.S.) |
I never heard about that before -- hey, down at the bottom. |
SASHIMI (O.S.)
MELLINGER (O.S.)
SASHIMI (O.S.)|
Oh. "Einstein Still Missing At Sea. 'Not A Good Swimmer,' Says Boyhood Friend." |
MELLINGER (O.S.)|
Try the next day's paper. |
The next day's Times appears. The big headline, "Prostitution Ring Broken."
DENTON (O.S.)|
Ah, forget it. Maybe we shouldn't know. |
BRICKHOUSE (O.S.)
MELLINGER (O.S.)
MED. SHOT - DENTON
has their attention.
DENTON |
That's right, shouldn't. Maybe we shouldn't know what happens, always second guessing ourselves, constantly looking over our shoulders to see what it is that we're actually going to do. Maybe we should simply ignore the future. |
BRICKHOUSE|
But this isn't the future, it's the past. |
DENTON|
It's the past, if it happens. |
MELLINGER|
But it happened long ago. |
DENTON|
But it may not have happened yet. |
Sashimi turns away from the screen.
SASHIMI|
I'm afraid it doesn't matter, folks, they don't have the Times for the next three days, so it's a moot point -- there was a newspaper strike. |
As they ponder this we
INT. SUBMARINE - CLOSE SHOT - CSONKA
is thinking.
CSONKA |
Hey Fridge, you want some gum? |
THE FRIDGE
CSONKA|
Yeah, I got some in my sock. Why don't you ask the guard if he wants some. |
THE FRIDGE
(in German; to O.S.)|
Hey, guard. Come over here. |
MED. SHOT - THE GUARD
approaches.
GUARD
(in German)
THE FRIDGE
(in German)
GUARD
(in German)
THE FRIDGE
(in German)
(to Csonka; in English)|
Hey, Zonk, give the man a stick of gum. |
Csonka hands the guard a stick of knockout gum. He takes it, starts to chew, smiles, and then collapses.
MADDEN|
You know what, guys? I think the momentum has just shifted in our favor. |
EXT. UNDERWATER - A GIANT SQUID
has wrapped its tentacles around the U-boat and is wrestling with it as if it were a scale model.
INT. SUBMARINE - EVERYTHING
is being buffeted about like clothes in a dryer.
INT. SUBMARINE - A LITTLE LATER - A FIGHT
has broken out between the Nazi sailors and America's Team as the submarine rocks and spins and bounces under the giant squid's control.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Bubba knocks two Nazi sailors' heads together.
B) A Nazi is about to conk Csonka on the noggin with a large wrench when the whole U-boat is turned
UPSIDE DOWN again and the Nazi conks himself on the noggin.
C) Einstein nonchalantly pushes a Nazi backwards,
over a crouching Madden. They laugh and shake hands in glee.
D) Butkus loads a Nazi into a torpedo tube.
E) The giant squid continues to wrestle the U-boat.
EXT. INSTITUTE FOR ADVANCED STUDY (1995) - ESTABLISHING
INT. WOMEN'S LOCKERROOM - SHOWER FLOOR - A WOMAN'S FEET
indicate a woman is taking a shower. As the camera SLOWLY PANS UP her curvaceous body, we realize that the woman is... Dr. Brickhouse.
INT. MEN'S LOCKERROOM - MELLINGER, SASHIMI, AND DENTON
are vying for a look through a peephole in the wall, a la "Porky's" as we
EXT. UNDERWATER - OCEAN FLOOR - THE SUBMARINE
is motionless.
INT. SUBMARINE - WIDE - AMERICA'S TEAM AND EINSTEIN
are exhausted after having fought off an entire Nazi U-boat crew -- now lying unconscious and scattered about the craft -- as well as a giant squid.
BUTKUS |
This isn't the way I thought it would end -- at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, in a German U-boat, in nineteen thirty-three. |
THE FRIDGE|
No lie. Even Professor Einstein can't think of a way to get out of this one. |
All of a sudden we HEAR someone TAPPING on the outside of the U-boat's hull.
MADDEN
EXT. U-BOAT - JULES VERNE-STYLE AQUANAUTS
are tapping on the sub's hull.
INT. U-BOAT - MADDEN
and the team react to the tapping.
BUBBA |
Sounds like somebody's out there. |
BUTKUS|
On the bottom of the ocean? |
MADDEN
He pulls down the periscope and looks.
MADDEN
(continuing)|
I always wondered what these things were like to look through, you know, after seeing 'em in all those movies... |
He swivels the base.
MADDEN
(continuing)|
Hey, will ya get a load of this! Bubba, Einstein, c'mere -- someone -- take a look at this, will ya? |
Bubba gets up and takes a look.
BUBBA
(several beats)|
What am I supposed to be seeing, Coach? |
MADDEN|
Well, for one thing, do you see an underwater paradise? A beautiful city -- with castles, and great thoroughfares, and neat looking buildings? |
BUBBA
(beat)
MADDEN|
Well, unless we're in Disneyland, it doesn't figure. Does it? |
EXT. UNDERWATER PARADISE
as seen through the cross-hairs of a periscope.
BUBBA (O.S.) |
No, it doesn't. Say, that's Early Etruscan, if I'm not mistaken. |
BUBBA
BUBBA
EXT. U-BOAT - AQUANAUTS
are waving to Bubba.
INT. UNDERWATER PARADISE - WIDE - ESTABLISHING
the rumored "Lost City of Atlantis."
MED. SHOT - CIRCLE OF HONOR - THE TEAM
and Einstein are standing in a futuristic space and being welcomed by the CITIZENS of Atlantis, including a number of familiar personages from the past, in particular a special welcoming committee made up of ABRAHAM LINCOLN, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, LEONARDO DA VINCI, and ELVIS PRESLEY. In the b.g. we can also see CLEOPATRA, BOB MARLEY, and LAUREL and HARDY.
EINSTEIN
(aside, to Madden, referring to Elvis)
MADDEN
(aside, to Einstein)|
Elvis? Oh, man, he was the king. Or will be, I mean. |
Einstein nods, impressed.
LINCOLN|
Welcome to the Lost City of Atlantis, gentlemen. Also known as The Bermuda Triangle. |
SHAKESPEARE
(disgusted)
LINCOLN|
Well, whatever you want to call it, this is the much discussed Lost City of Atlantis. |
EINSTEIN|
That's fantastic. Who could have ever imagined such a place actually existed? |
LINCOLN|
But it does. The Atlanteans have mastered time travel as well, and have gathered together the world's most, well -- interesting -- figures. Oh, excuse me, I'm Abraham Lincoln. |
EINSTEIN|
My name is Albert Einstein. |
LINCOLN|
Yes, of course. And this is -- |
SHAKESPEARE
DA VINCI
ELVIS
MADDEN|
And we're America's Team. |
LINCOLN|
We know. And your mission is to get the Professor to Princeton, New Jersey -- and his papers -- |
Csonka holds up, improbably, the same few cartons containing Einstein's writings.
LINCOLN
(continuing)|
And you must do all of this by September the Eighth, nineteen thirty-three. However, there's been a change of plan. |
MADDEN|
Change of plan? What do you mean? |
SHAKESPEARE|
Einstein's staying with us. |
EINSTEIN
MADDEN|
But he can't stay with you. He has to return with us. It's in the playbook. |
Lincoln, Shakespeare, Da Vinci, et al. laugh at them mockingly.
LINCOLN|
It's in the playbook. Big deal. |
BUTKUS|
Hey listen, either Einstein goes, or none of us go. |
SHAKESPEARE
MADDEN|
Hey wait -- I think my friend means, Einstein goes with us, or we don't go. |
SHAKESPEARE
MADDEN|
No, wait, I didn't mean that. |
EINSTEIN|
Stop -- I'm going with them, and that's it. I must go! |
SHAKESPEARE|
Parting is such sweet sorrow -- so be happy -- you're not parting. |
Shakespeare grabs Einstein roughly as SAMSON and GOLIATH step forward to take him into custody.
CLOSE SHOT - THE BOZ
is furious.
THE BOZ
MED. SHOT - THE BOZ
leaps on Shakespeare and starts to pummel him, and quickly America's Team, Einstein, Lincoln, Da Vinci, Samson, Goliath, Cleopatra, Laurel and Hardy, and all the other historical figures become embroiled in a rip-roaring melee, as we, SLOWLY
|