EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT - S.S. EUROPA - ESTABLISHING

the glittering ship on the open sea.

EXT. - DECK - THE PASSENGERS

are right out of "Ship of Fools."

MED. SHOT - A GROUP

of suspicious-looking characters, facsimiles of TALLULAH Bankhead, Walter SLEZAK, and Joseph COTTEN, converse without looking each other in the eye, smiling cautiously at the occasional PASSENGER passing by.

COTTEN

You are all aware of the plan?

SLEZAK
The plan? The plan, of course, is to take Einstein back from the Americans and return him to Germany.

COTTEN
And where are our spies? Those fools.

SLEZAK
Heinz and Stimmel are on the ship, but they haven't reported in yet.

COTTEN
We might as well drown ourselves if we don't get Einstein back. What about the submarine?

SLEZAK
It will be there.

TALLULAH
Submarine?

COTTEN
Yes. I told you. We'll be taking Einstein back to the Fatherland in a submarine.

TALLULAH
I don't like submarines, darling.

COTTEN
Shh.

He nods to O.S.

NEW ANGLE - CSONKA AND BUTKUS

stroll into view.

BUTKUS

I would think it's perfectly safe to barbecue on the deck of a ship. I mean, we're surrounded by water, right?

CSONKA
Yeah -- hey, I hear there's a great buffet table. All you can eat.

BUTKUS
Yeah? Let's go.

They cross by in front of Cotten, Slezak and Tallulah.

COTTEN
Gentlemen.

TALLULAH
Hello, boys.

Csonka and Butkus nod politely, then walk out of view.

COTTEN
Let's keep an eye on those two.

TALLULAH
I'll follow them.

She slinks off in pursuit just as Heinz and Stimmel appear.

COTTEN
Well, look who's here.

SLEZAK
So? What have you found out?

HEINZ
We know they're on board.

STIMMEL
But we haven't seen them yet.

SLEZAK
You idiots! We just saw two of them!

HEINZ
You did?

CUT TO:


INT. CABIN HALLWAY - BUBBA AND THE FRIDGE

are carrying plates covered with food as they arrive at a stateroom door, and knock.

THE FRIDGE

Hey, open up.

EINSTEIN (O.S.)
Coming.

The door is opened by a very pale Einstein. The Fridge and Bubba enter, practically filling the tiny room.

INT. STATEROOM - THE FRIDGE AND BUBBA

sit down and begin to devour their feasts.

BUBBA
(to Einstein)

You sure you don't want something?

EINSTEIN
(barely able to talk)
No, no, please.

THE FRIDGE
What's the matter? Can't stand the rocking and rolling, and rolling and rocking, and rocking and rolling, and --

Einstein rushes to the porthole and sticks his head out as we HEAR a KNOCK on the door.

BUBBA
I'll get it.

He opens the door for Madden and The Boz, each holding large portions of food as well.

MADDEN
Is he here?

Bubba nods in Einstein's direction.

MADDEN
(continuing)
Good.

Madden and The Boz enter, leaving no space left whatsoever.

MADDEN
(continuing)
You know, it's funny, I hate to fly, but an ocean voyage, with all its rocking and swaying and tilting and rolling, doesn't bother me in the slightest.

We HEAR Einstein VOMITING in the b.g., and then we HEAR another KNOCK on the door.

BUBBA
What's the password?

BUTKUS (O.S.)
There is no password!

BUBBA
He's right.

Bubba opens the door for Butkus and Csonka, who also have a buffet table's worth of food. They somehow squeeze in.

MADDEN
It's gettin' kinda crowded in here.

INT. CABIN HALLWAY - TALLULAH

shows up and knocks on the door. It opens, revealing it's more packed than the Marx Brothers' stateroom in "A Night At The Opera."

TALLULAH

May I join the fun?

BUTKUS
Sure. Come on in.

INT. STATEROOM - THE TEAM

and Tallulah are packed like sardines.

MADDEN

Hey, where's Einstein?

EXT. SHIP - EINSTEIN

dangles perilously out the porthole.

INT. STATEROOM - PORTHOLE - EINSTEIN'S FEET

are all that's left of the great genius, but Bubba grabs him just in time and drags him back inside, soaking wet, as we

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. DINING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER - THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE

It's the traditional "Captain's Dinner," and in attendance are: The team, and Einstein, as well as Slezak, Tallulah, Cotten, Heinz, Stimmel -- everyone except the Captain. All eye each other suspiciously.

SLEZAK

Such a pity that the Captain couldn't be here.

COTTEN
I'm sure he has more important matters to attend to.

TWO SHOT - MADDEN AND TALLULAH

She leans over to him, clearly indicating he should light her cigarette for her.

TALLULAH

Do you think there will be war, Mr. Madden?

MADDEN
War? Gee, I dunno.

She waves the cigarette some more, right in his face.

MADDEN
(continuing)
That Hitler guy's a real loose cannon.

She practically sticks the cigarette up his nose until he realizes what she wants.

MADDEN
(continuing)
Oh -- here -- allow me.

He grabs a candle to light her cigarette.

TWO SHOT - THE FRIDGE AND SLEZAK

are seated next to each other.

THE FRIDGE

Excuse me.

SLEZAK
Yes, Mr. Refrigerator? -- if that really is your name.

THE FRIDGE
Would you please pass the butter?

Slezak passes the butter to him as we

CUT TO:


INT. CAPTAIN'S DECK - FROM BEHIND - THE CAPTAIN

is at the helm, firmly in control of the ship. He looks ahead, resolute, steadfast, and then we HEAR a LOUD CRUNCH as the ship lurches dramatically.

EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT - THE EUROPA

has collided with a giant iceberg.

INT. CAPTAIN'S DECK - REVERSE ANGLE

reveals the Captain to be none other than Doctor Julius.

JULIUS
(happily)

A direct hit!

INT. DINING ROOM - EVERYONE

is thrown across the room and we HEAR SCREAMS.

CUT TO:


EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT - THE EUROPA

is listing precariously.

EXT. S.S. EUROPA - WIDE - PASSENGERS AND CREW

pile into lifeboats and are lowered over the side.

MED. SHOT - THE TEAM AND EINSTEIN

are helping others into lifeboats.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. OCEAN - A LITTLE LATER - WIDE - THE SHIP

is sinking in the b.g. as, in the foreground, amidst the flotsam and jetsam, a lifeboat floats.

MED. SHOT - THE LIFEBOAT

is loaded down with a number of passengers: Madden, Einstein, Csonka, Tallulah, Joseph Cotten, Walter Slezak, and Heinz and Stimmel.

TALLULAH

Seven men and one woman, darlings, how terribly romantic.

COTTEN
Well, yes, but this lifeboat only holds six.

SLEZAK
My friend is right. Two must go. Let's vote. All those in favor of throwing the two Americans overboard -- raise your hands.

MADDEN
Whoa, hold on, what's the hurry?

The Nazis all raise their hands.

COTTEN
Sorry, boys.

CSONKA
Hey look!

WIDE SHOT - BUBBA, THE BOZ, THE FRIDGE, AND BUTKUS

are treading water nearby.

MADDEN

Come on board, guys!

SLEZAK
There's no room.

CSONKA
We'll make room.

The others are helped aboard by Madden and Csonka.

MADDEN
Now let's vote.

With a sinister smile, Cotten pulls out a luger and points it at them.

COTTEN
I don't think a vote will be necessary, gentlemen.

Slezak pulls out a gun.

SLEZAK
No. These are the only two votes that count.

MADDEN
You're just lucky we're not allowed to carry weapons through time, pal.

EINSTEIN
You're not?

Cotten, Slezak and the two spies snicker, then Tallulah pulls out a small "ladies'" gun.

TALLULAH
Women still have the vote, don't they?

She turns the gun on the Nazis.

COTTEN
What are you doing? Are you crazy?

TALLULAH
I told you, I don't like submarines, darling. Too confining.

Suddenly the lifeboat is thrust upwards, knocking the gun out of Tallulah's hand as a submarine emerges from the sea beneath them.

SLEZAK
Ah hah! Well, it's too bad you don't like submarines, daaaling. You better like lifeboats.

A hatch opens and a NAZI U-BOAT CAPTAIN, along with other NAZI SAILORS, escort Einstein and the team, at gunpoint, into the sub, leaving Tallulah on the lifeboat, alone, with a bottle of champagne and a champagne glass.

CLOSER - TALLULAH

seems quite glad to see them go.

TALLULAH

What -- no ice?

CUT TO:


INT. GERMAN U-BOAT - A LITTLE LATER - THE TEAM AND EINSTEIN

are handcuffed and in chains.

MADDEN

Well, I guess we really blew this one, guys.

EINSTEIN
Where are they taking us?

MADDEN
I don't know, but I'm sure it's not New Jersey.

CUT TO: