The Program

("This program is designed to get to the root cause of what some call "the curse of celebrityhood." The goal of the program is two-fold: 1) To establish a clear definition of the affliction, if it exists; and 2) To search for any possible remedies, should they be needed." -- Dr. Elliot Latham, Em.D, Director, The Celebrity Clinic of Glendale, Inc.)

Morning Session

8 AM

Subjects register and report to the Orientation Lounge, where they are briefed about the day's schedule, issued robes and, upon request, disposable slippers.

8:15 AM

Subjects are taken to separate Changing Rooms, bathed (state requirement), and de-liced.

8:30 AM

In a private interview, subjects are asked to describe some of their experiences as public figures. For example: "What has been the most frightening aspect of being famous?" Or, "What one incident stands out in your memory as the single most traumatic event directly related to being famous?" (These private sessions are occasionally audited by local college students who earn credit for their attendance.)

9 AM

Subjects are served stewed fruit and wheat-free crackers in the cafeteria. (see "Dietary Rules")

9:15 AM

Subjects are given a "Stress Test." This is another element of the program -- not required by the state -- designed to measure the terrible mental, physical and psychological toll fame takes on the individual. ("It's exhausting!" -- Dick Van Patten)

10:00 AM

Subjects, upon return, change into casual clothes and relax by playing charades, card games, or Simon Says. Winners earn "points" that can be redeemed later for "treats."

10:30 AM

Subjects ingest any of several psycho-active drugs (non-sedative, non-hallucinatory) and are placed in a state of "free-floating memory," as described by Dr. Latham in his book, "Float Free With Me." Under the direction of Dr. Latham, subjects drift in and out of virtual scenes from their past, guided to those experiences that provide the most significance, and drama.

Approx. 12:30 PM

At approximately 12:30, subjects report to the cafeteria for a snack of stewed vegetables and wheat-free crackers.

12:45 PM

Subjects are again examined by a state-licensed physician, washed, and dressed in costumes (i.e., "Cowboy," "The '20's," "Astronaut") for an interval of "Controlled Interaction," led by Dr. Latham.

1:45 PM

Subjects are free to talk among themselves, provided it's in the "Observation Room."

2:00 PM

Having talked among themselves, subjects are led, one by one, into the yard (parking lot) and lined up, side by side, for a head count. (The state mandates that all state-funded programs monitor the participation level of any "employees" during the course of their "labor" if said labor is compensated by an amount "not to exceed five hundred dollars.")

2:10 PM

Stress test.

2:55 PM

Subjects are allowed to redeem their points won at charades, cards, or Simon Says, for a variety of treats.

3:00 PM

At the Handwriting/Self-esteem Workshop subjects sign their name repeatedly and learn a little bit about themselves in the process. Afterwards, subjects are led into the auditorium for a lecture by master hypnotist Glen Faraday.

3:45 PM

Subjects, upon being shown a playing card (Jack of Spades) by Dr. Latham, record their testimonials for the Celebrity Clinic of Glendale.

3:50 PM

Stress test.

Afternoon Session

4:00 PM

Gathering in the Orientation Lounge, subjects are served stewed fruit and wheat-free crackers left over from the morning session while being briefed about the schedule and any last-minute changes. Then, as the state once required, they are weighed, their body fat is measured, and, if necessary, and only if they so elect, excess fat is removed by liposuction.

4:30 PM

Interviews with reporters from a variety of high school newspapers are held in the Interview Room.

5:00 PM

Injections of phenobarbital are optional for all subjects who have a body fat under 8 %. Subjects are re-introduced to master hypnotist Glen Faraday.

6:00 PM

The audience is let in.

6:15 PM

Comedian Jerry Morgan warms up the audience.

6:30 PM

The "cast" (those subjects with body fat over 8 %) is introduced, and answer prepared questions from staff members in the audience.

6:45 PM

The show begins.

7:30 PM


7:45 PM

The audience is let out.

8:00 PM

Subjects snack on stewed fruit and wheat-free crackers in cafeteria.

8:10 PM

Stress test.

8:30 PM

Satellite interviews w/Bangkok radio stations.

9:00 PM

Subjects report to the Programming Room for de-programming with Glen Faraday.

9:30 PM

Subjects are served a sumptuous meal, featuring either steak, lobster, salmon, or individual cans of tuna. Following the meal, subjects are brought to the Reception Lounge for coffee, dessert, and another visit from master hypnotist Glen Faraday.

10:00 PM

After a short ride in the Celebrity Clinic van, subjects take the stage of the Glendale Equity Theater for an "Evening With Debbie Reynolds, Marjoe Gortner, and Friends," one of the "most delightful, and revealing, evenings in the theater in recent memory!" (Glendale Citizen-Courier)

11:45 PM

Subjects are rushed back to the clinic by van, change into their street clothes, and then are asked to sign a standard release form.

11:55 PM

Satellite interview w/Melbourne, Australia radio stations while snacking on stewed fruits and wheat-free crackers.

11:59 PM

Subjects say their goodbyes, line up in the parking lot, and are shown the Jack of Spades.