100th Show

(The following is a transcription of the popular late night talk show, "Juice Time," celebrating its one hundredth broadcast. The date is September 22, 2010.)

ANNOUNCER: And here he is, for the one hundredth time, the one, the only -- O.J.!

O.J.: Hey, thank you, thank you Bill Wendell, thank you everybody. You know, in TV, getting to one hundred shows is like running for one hundred yards in football. It's a sign you're doing something right, that you're reaching out to people, having an impact on their lives, so I just want to say thanks to all of you out there, the viewing public, for tuning us in night after night and making this all possible.

DOGG: Stop it, Juice, you're makin' me cry!

O.J.: Heh-heh... Snoop Doggy Dogg, ladies and gentlemen, and the "Juice Time Orchestra." Hey Snoop, play me over... Well, let's see, my first guest is known to everyone, uh -- especially sports fans -- you know either O.J.'s gonna need glasses or you're gonna have to move those cards in closer. Anyway, he's the youngest man to ever win the heavyweight title, and he regained that title in 1996, then lost it on a technical violation in 1998, then regained it again in 2001 with an incredible 10th-round knockout of George Foreman, and he's currently our Ambassador to Spain -- please welcome... Iron Mike Tyson!

TYSON: O.J., I think you read the wrong card. I'm no ambassador.

O.J.: Hey, you're right. That's tomorrow night's guest, Lyle Menendez. Mike, you're looking great. Took off a few pounds, didn't you?

TYSON: I had to, O.J., I'm fighting Foreman in two weeks.

O.J.: You know, you're amazing. Here it is, 2010, you're in your forties, and yet you're still fighting -- and for the championship.

TYSON: I've still got a lot of hostility left in me.

O.J.: No, seriously --

CHASE: Hello? Is this "Thicke of the Night?"

O.J.: Hey! -- what a surprise... Chevy Chase, everybody!

CHASE: Somebody said I could get my electric car re-charged in here.

O.J.: Chevy, can you sit down?

CHASE: I'll have to ask my doctor. Hi Mike -- please don't hurt me.

O.J.: I thought you were in Europe, Chevy.

CHASE: So did I.

TYSON: Hey, can I say something?

CHASE: You can say anything, big fella, do anything you want -- here, take my wallet -- what size shoes do you wear?

TYSON: I just wanted to say how much my wife and I enjoyed your latest movie. I mean it.

CHASE: Well, thank you. That whole Lampoon series has been a lot of fun.

O.J.: Yeah. Paula and I saw it. You were great.

CHASE: Thanks, guys, really. Can I get off my knees now?

O.J.: I especially liked the scene where you and your grandchildren move into the new underground house and --

CHASE: And the plumbing goes nuts?

O.J.: Yeah.

TYSON: Yeah.

CHASE: I came up with a lot of that business.

HARDING: Did I hear one hundredth show?

O.J.: What? Oh no, I don't believe it -- Tonya Harding everybody -- Come on over, Tonya, and join us.

HARDING: Why, are you coming apart?

O.J.: Huh?

HARDING: It's a joke.

CHASE: That dress is a joke -- or are you just glad to see me?

O.J.: Can you stay awhile?

HARDING: Sure. I was taping in the next studio when they told me about the one hundred thing, so I had to come over. I think this is the best show on television. Am I right?

O.J.: Aww, thanks.

HARDING: It's even better than some of the on-line stuff.

CHASE: Hey, now that's a little extreme.

O.J.: In case the folks at home don't know it by now, Chevy's got his own on-line channel. Is that full service?

CHASE: Full service. And one month free when you sign up this month, or something like that, I don't know, I just take the money and -- Tonya, tell me, did you escape from a burning building and all you had to throw on was a dinner napkin?

HARDING: When you got it, flaunt it.

O.J.: And that might be the perfect note on which to cut away for a commercial... Tonight, "Juice Time" is brought to you by: Sambo's Family Restaurants, twenty-first century service -- twentieth century prices; and by Microsoft -- we're in control now.

ANNOUNCER: O.J. will be right back with his guests Timothy McVeigh, the all-new Milli Vanilli, U.S. Attorney General Mark Fuhrman, Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski, and, by videophone, a special congratulatory phone call from President Bob Packwood.

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