You are in big trouble, Aquarius. Watch out for Scorpio. Don't go out with Leo. Send back the Capricorn.

Time to pick up the pieces of a failing relationship and move on, Pisces. Have some fish.

Aries, I don't like you and I never have. Kiss my ass, Aries.

Taurus, you will go into a china shop and destroy the place. Good month to buy stocks.

Gemini, it's like there are two of you, both boring.

Cancer, you're a crab, a real pain in the ass.

Leo, you're the king of the jungle. Big deal.

Virgo, what are you doing this Friday night?

Libra, sorry to wake you, but it's time you went out and finally got a job.

Scorpio, you have no sense of humor and are very gullible. In other words: a dumb shmuck.

Sagittarius, the Archer! A lot of good a bow and arrow's gonna do you when three guys in ski masks stick a .38 in your ribs and ask for your money.

Capricorn, what can I say? You're nuts.